Tonight at Adelaide Oval, a city of 1.5 million people will contest a knockout final against a Melbourne suburb best known for a Bunnings and a tram terminus.
The Crows, representing the entire population of South Australia’s capital, will run out against the Western Bulldogs, who officially represent Footscray — population 22,000, or roughly one third the capacity of the ground they’ll be playing in tonight.
League officials have described the fixture as “a natural extension of the competition’s national ambitions,” and pointed out that comparing population catchments is “counterproductive to the good of the game,” a claim they were unable to substantiate further when asked. Although a spokesperson later confirmed that it definitely had nothing to do with an agenda to keep the sport centralised around Melbourne.
Footscray has claimed representation for significantly more people than its population since 1996, when the club was rebranded themselves the Western Bulldogs specifically to imply it spoke for the entirety of Melbourne’s west. This has included expansion into Ballarat, where it has played games for the past several seasons. Ironically, Ballarat’s population is five times that of Footscray. Observers with a keen eye have suggested permanent relocation on the back of this, but the idea has generally been met with cynicism from the league. Once again, we’re assured by the league it’s not related to a fear of decentralisation.
Crowd authenticity remains an ongoing concern for tonight’s fixture. One Adelaide fan, Michael Sixbeersdeep, speaking outside the Oval, expressed scepticism about the composition of the away contingent.
“I’m fairly certain I saw that guy on the Belair line with me earlier today,” he said, gesturing at a man in a Bulldogs guernsey queuing for a pie. “He didn’t look like he’d just flown in.”
The AFL has confirmed there is no residency requirement, minimum attendance threshold, or general obligation for a club’s supporter base to have any relationship whatsoever to the geographic area printed on their membership card. CEO Andrew Dillon said, “In fact, we’d prefer fans disconnected themselves entirely from loyalty to a club. The more infatuated they are with individual players, the more money we make.”
Adelaide, for its part, fields a team representing a genuine metropolitan population roughly 68 times the size of Footscray’s, a fact the club has elected not to mention in any pre-match messaging, on the basis that pointing it out would apparently be “petty,” and, “not in any way related to how embarrassing it would be if we lost to a local suburban team.”
