It’s AFL finals time and, predictably enough, given that the Adelaide Football Club are looking the slightest bit threatening, the media pile-on has begun. Sexual assault and forced concussion waivers are a thing of the past because, ** checks notes **, Adelaide might fire their coach. Who isn’t very good.
Some morally corrupt pissant masquerading as a journalist decided to pretend the club told him something that anyone with a single functioning brain could have guessed. Tom Morris has, one assumes, no female friends, and even less contacts at the Adelaide Football Club. On the back of that the list has now grown to no less than five separate AFL-sanctioned media outlets calling Adelaide all manner of names. Known adulterer Garry Lyon even went so far as to call them a “weak” club for something that remains completely unverified.
One imagines Collingwood’s unceremonious exit from the finals race last weekend might have something to do with these tantrums.
Apparently getting off your face on blow and hiring some hookers is enough for a few days of politely worded media coverage. Better yet, asking a concussed player to sign a waiver for liability in relation to concussions is also worth a mere slap on the wrist. But if you plan to fire a coach who’s had seven years to prove himself and hasn’t, well then you bloody well better keep your mouth shut. Or the AFL Media’s Morality Police will be after you.
Adelaide fans are nonplussed on the issue. “Oh yeah?” said Trevor Passerby after we explained to him the AFL Media’s behavior this afternoon. “Sounds about right. Never met a more insecure bunch of troglodytes in my life.”
When told that Tom Morris had broken a story about Matthew Nicks being on the chopping block if Adelaide (population 1.5 million) lost their Elimination Final to Footscray (population 21,000) on Saturday, CEO Tim Silvers replied with, “Who? Anyway, I thought everyone already knew that? It’s not like it’s a fucking secret.”
AFL CEO Andrew Dillon was not so nonchalant. “Enough is enough from this club. We’ve had it. We are going to seriously consider taking away their license,” he said at a press conference ten minutes after Morris broke the story. Asked to clarify whether that was a serious threat, Dillon replied, “No. Because the league would quite literally crumble into the sea without Adelaide. But you better believe our considerations will be very very serious.”
